Is Slash a good nickname?

I wonder if Saul Hudson would have been as famous if his mate's dad hadn't called him Slash* when he was 14? Would Paul Hewson's ego have exploded to epic proportions if his teenage self had not walked past a shop in Dublin called Bono Vox. Yes, there are lessons to be learned from giving and receiving nicknames. They stick.

I have a four-letter first name. How then is it possible for me to have close to 30 nicknames? Mez, Maz, Moz, Muz, Mezza, Mazza, Mozza, Muzza, Mare, Mares, Mare-wee, Memi, Mem, Marzy, Maros, Scary, Hairy, Hurricane, Nightmary. All terms of endearment carefully crafted over three decades. And I pretty much answer to all of them. Although I'm not all that keen on one of them. Unfortunately that's the one my brothers-in-law are now using so I'm going to be stuck with that for eternity. Lesson #1: if you don't like a nickname, don't tell anyone. Or you'll never be called anything else. J-Lo and Prince often have conference calls with P-Diddy and Snooki to talk about it.

Considering I received a brand new surname when I got married, the speed of new nicknames bestowed upon me was mighty swift. Weaves, Sigourney, Mystery, Dream. Yes, Mare is great, but compared to Basket? No contest. Lesson #2: when giving someone a nickname - think creatively. And don't forget cockney rhyming slang. My mate Rascal (aka Lizzie) and I go nuts when Dizzy Rascal's tune, Bonkers, comes on the stereo.  And I once heard of a bloke with the nickname Window.  His younger brother?  Louver. Classic Aussie humour at its finest.

And then there's just the plain WTF nicknames? When backpacking in Thailand about 10 years ago, I introduced myself to a fellow traveller on a hiking tour. "Hi I'm Mary". Without missing a beat, she replied: "Hey there, nice to meet you. I'm going to call you Mags". Errr. Oh-kay. Don't know how you got there (and so quickly?!) but you're a cheery Aussie and I'll probably never meet you again. Wrong. We travelled together for three weeks. Thankfully she never introduced me to anyone else by my new nickname as we tripped around northern Thailand. Which brings me to Lesson #3: Avoid the "Future Awkward Nickname Moment".

I will explain. You know a person ONLY by their nickname. Let's use Slug as an example. That's a great nickname if you're on a footy team, on a backpacking trip or in school. Or if you look like a slug. But it's kinda weird when you bump into the person you know as Slug in a different setting many moons later. Say, in an office, in a church or at a funeral. And you have no idea of his christian name. And his mum is beside him. And you're pretty certain she didn't call him Slug on the birth notice.

Some celebs have made their fortune from their nicknames: The Situation, Magic Johnson, Posh, Scary, Ginger, Baby, Sporty.... And they've often inspired others. On another backpacking adventure, this time in Europe, I shared a van with a guy who insisted on being called the name of his idol. At. All. Times. Kinda like Inception which was a dream inside a dream; his was a nickname inside a nickname. For three months, every time I wanted to speak to my fellow traveller, I had to address him as The Rock. Yes, I could smell what The Rock was cooking. A whole saucepan of crazy. Lesson #4: Be Unique.

History is riddled with great nicknames dreamed up by the tabloids: Dubya, Jackie O, Fergie. And in the past decade, they've gone crazy for mashing celebs' names for a front-page worthy moniker. Think Brangelina, TomKat, Bennifer. Unsurprisingly, I have a soft spot for those with a bit more bite. Lindsay Lohan won't answer to it, but you can try calling her Firecrotch** or Hohan. Madonna must love being called Vadge. And Jessica Alba will forever be miserable about her MiserAlba moniker.

Gwyneth Paltrow was nicknamed Fishsticks years ago by gossip columnist Ted Casablanca because she was so skinny and annoying. Clearly, nothing's changed. Although if you read her pretentiously tedious website you should know her friends call her Goop. Yes, as in poop. She was probably too busy swapping recipes with Jay-Z in Spanish to catch that her "friends" have punk'd her with a toilet-humour nickname.

But I guess it's to be expected from a woman who so easily gave her daughter a ready-made nickname. Yes, Apple Martin will be commiserating in the future with Nicole Kidman's daughter Sunday Rose over apple martinis and a Sunday roast. Lesson #5: Say your unborn child's full name out loud. And I'm guessing that Shiloh Pitt would have appreciated if Brad and Angelina had thought of the precarious situation someone could be in if they messed up their Sh and P when talking about their daughter.  Yes, Angelina called her daughter a pile of $%*#.  Let's raise our apple martinis to nicknames!




*For the record: it was because he was always in a hurry and "slashing" all over the place. Clearly "slashing" means something different in the US because in Australia he'd be permanently wearing incontinence pads.
** The tabloids were technically inspired by Brandon Davis' drunken rantings, but I'm including it here. It's almost got a Beetlejuice kind of quality. Say it three times quickly.