As a child I used to go to ridiculous lengths to "enjoy" the night. The time difference from the US to Australia meant that it was a delayed telecast. To avoid any accidental slip-ups, there was a blanket ban on all media at home and in the car. No TV, no radio, nothing. If I heard so much as one note of the ABC news theme, I'd pretty much pole vault across the room to switch off the radio while covering my ears and screaming. Sadly, I am not joking. I was a strange child. Thank goodness the internet or mobile phones were a decade away or I may have had a nervous breakdown.
For about a week prior I would make sure that I went to bed early so I would be in tip-top condition to sit up for the full telecast, which often didn't finish to well past midnight. Year after year I remember begging my mum to let me stay home for the day so I could have an afternoon nap "in preparation". As she sensibly said no, I'm sure she was leafing through the Yellow Pages for the phone numbers of nearby mental institutions.
So for every year on Oscars afternoon while I was at school, I got a "headache" and asked to go to the sick bay for a lie-down. What. A. Loser. How I managed to sleep during those hours is beyond me, as by then I was a ball of excitement. Who would win? What would they wear? Would my VCR have enough tape for the whole ceremony?
So, it got me thinking. What are my top 5 ingredients for the perfect Oscars Experience?
1. Fashion Disasters. And no, I'm not talking Bjork or Tilda Swinton or Helena Bonham Carter or Cher. Those chicks know exactly what they're doing. No, what I'm talking about are the truly epic fashion disasters. Gwyneth Paltrow with her pancake gothic boobs. Kate Hudson wearing a lampshade and a poodle perm. Demi Moore in bike pants and a ballgown. Celine Dion in a back-to-front tuxedo jacket. Reese Witherspoon in a doily-come-toilet doll ensemble and old lady hair. Halle Berry wearing an ice-skating costume and some taffeta drapes. Charlize Theron with too much spray-tan and bronzer. Sadly, the advent of the stylist has made this less and less common. I want bad hair, ugly dresses and WTF moments. Don't disappoint me.
2. Fashion Moments. Catherine Zeta Jones in that red Versace dress. Angelina with those emerald earrings. Anne Hathaway in that sparkly Armani. Michelle Williams in mustard Vera Wang. Nicole Kidman in that cerise Dior. Bring it.
3. Upsets. For the last few years, it's been really easy to pick the winners because they've won every lead-up award. Back in the day, the Oscars was the Night of Nights. But now every bloody awards show is televised. The Golden Globes, the SAG awards, the Brits, Critics Choice. God knows I love them all, but they've also taken a bit of magic out of the Oscars Experience. This year, Colin Firth and Natalie Portman are dead certainties to be on the podium, and I'm sure Christian Bale and Melissa Leo will be beside them. How do I know that? Well they'e won every award so far. The Oscars needs to deliver a Marisa Tomei moment. That said, I don't want a Crash moment. Because that's just stupid. If I was scripting an upset this year? Jacki Weaver to beat Melissa Leo.
4. No-one really cares about the show. Ditch the montages, the dance numbers and the awards for sound editing. Who cares. I want to see presenters fluffing their lines when they deliver those god-awful canned scripts. I want to see toe-curling speeches. I want to see Ashley Judd flashing her undies as she struts across the stage. I want to cringe with embarrassment when Roberto Benigni jumps on chairs and disappears into oblivion. This year? I want to see Gwyneth Paltrow stuff up her lines when singing that horrible Country Strong song. And if she falls over while wearing a bad dress, I may just weep with joy.
5. Nominate some cool stuff. Why the hell is How to Train Your Dragon nominated for best soundtrack instead of Tron Legacy? That seems bonkers. Daft Punk should be at the Oscars.
